S#%t Just Got Real!!!

I have to admit, there is a part of me, a really big part of me, that's apprehensive about discussing and stating the things which I will say in this post...

*le sigh*

...relationships are tough people!!!

And this one, the one I'm in, has been a true test for me. 

Just when I thought we had overcome many hurdles, some that relationships don't even experience till years have been put in...here comes a new one.

But this one...this one is MAJOR...

...this one can't be swept under the rug, it must be addressed ASAP!!!

Mothers.

That's it.

One word.

One word with so much attachment.

One word that has 2 different meanings for my man and I.

I've discussed my maternal situation, but the refresher is...

My mother is deceased. 
She was a great, awesome, amazing woman. I hold her on a pedestal...

I can admit I do.

And even though she's passed on, I do believe, truly believe, that if still here, I'd still have mad love for that woman. 

The man and his mom...More like the man vs. his mom.

*smh*

I'd always heard of relationships like this, but never knew I'd see it face to face.

Never in such a way that it would also affect me in the long run.

The relationship...or lack thereof...that the man has with his mother is sad.

I'm not being sarcastic...it's really just sad.

It tears my heart that their connection is on such a level of foolishness that you can't even tell their mother and child.

More like: Folks v. Vice Lords...
Bloods and Crypts...
Sho'nuff v. Leroy...
Simon Cowell v. Sanjia...

...it's just messy.

I've never seen this level of disrespect, lack of love, anger, resentment, bitterness, and misery between a mother and a son.

I can admit, I only know one side of the story. Obviously, just the man's.

But from what I've seen, what I've heard...a lot of the drama stems from the mother.

Out of respect for their personal life, I refuse to go into deep detail, but I will share this...

...too often we forget that the pain, hurt, misery that we've experienced in life, things we have grown bitter and  upset about should never reflect or show its presence on our children. NEVER.

I'm not saying we must put our emotions, our pains on eggshells around our children. 

I'm not saying we should sugar coat the reality of life; there are high-highs and low-lows.

I'm simply saying that our children should NEVER, NEVER become the victim of our anger, pain, misery and unhappiness. 

My man has become a victim.

Don't know the details of his childhood, but it's become apparent that it was rough.

A lot of what he's gone through has become a direct reflection of the type of man he is today. 

I won't say its all bad and terrible, but a lot of his troubles with affection and interaction is because of the lack thereof that was shared between Mother and Son.

They always say, "a woman's relationship with their father or lack of a father will affect their connection with men".

Well guess what....Men and Mommas, Too!

So what drove me to this point where I'm now writing this post...

Well, now, this foolishness has spread it's way over into including me.

Now, naturally, I was already included when I began to date the man. 
In any relationship, once you make a commitment on whatever level, you take on the person and all of their additional baggage. 

Everybody got a few dufful bags and briefcases of mess that they have either began to clean out or still in disarray.

So going into this, I knew I was taking on a lot, but now...Now...it's personal!

I have been nothing but respectful to his mother.
Even when in the very beginning, when all I got was an evil stare as she passed by my vehicle parked outside her home, I still responded with a pleasant smile. 

Even when I was only stopping by to spend time with my man, but some how got sent on a food run for her. No gas money, no 'thank you', no nothing. Still...I smiled.

Even when I was the one offering him rides to and from work, loaning money then took it a step further and provided financial assistance while he was in between jobs. 

No gas, no 'thank you', no nothing. Still...I smiled.

I don't expect a reward, a handshake, not even that 'thank you'.
Could care less to be honest.

She could never say a damn thang to me...ever.

Oh...but she will respect me! 

I give it, therefore it should be given in return.

But the other night was strike one.

Again, I won't go into details; however, I will say it was highly uncalled for.

In a very demeaning way, she basically referred to me as if I didn't exist.

As if I were some stray dog who had wandered into her house that she wanted to leave immediately...or else.

Wait...WTF?!?

Where is this coming from?...What have I done to you?...And why are you doing this to me?

For the record, I said nothing to provoke her, didn't even see her when I came into their home. 

All I know was that I was basically being dismissed without even being acknowledged. 

And why?

No reason. Truly, no apparent reason.

I didn't cause any hurt, harm, or danger to her. No words were even said.

But yet, I wasn't shit.

My reaction...very similar to the cat. I literally was stuck and speechless.
Just in utter disbelief that she would even come at me that way, when I've done nothing.

But then it hit me..."If she don't respect her own child, why the HELL would she respect you?!?"

As silently as I came, I left.

I'm not into confrontations and wasn't bit more interested in starting one with her. 

Said nothing to the man, just left.

As far as I'm concerned, misery loves company...I wasn't bit more interested in joining in.

As I drove home, body initially engulfed in anger, I had an epiphany. Several actually.

1. As I stated...Misery loves Company.

2. As a woman, I've truly grown. There was a time I would have jumped all down someone's throat if they came at me sideways. Thankful for growth and maturity.

3. An old saying..."the foot you step on today, may be the ass you have to kiss tomorrow"

Oh, that last one was the lightbulb moment!

While she's over there simmering up mess, she's probably not noticed, or look closely enough, and realized that the relationship between her son and I is constantly flourishing. 

I don't know what the future holds, but we're moving forward and upward. 

If and when that day comes we decided to make that next step, to make that marital vow...in-laws we will be.

And then...then...it's another ball game.
Not only will I not allow such disrespect to be directed at me, I damn sure won't let it continue to reign over my husband.
Too often, the problems that happen in the home are because of the b.s. outside the home.
Won't make room for drama...Nope, not me!

Even then still folks, I hope it doesn't go that far.
I see great things for the man and I, I shouldn't have to worry about a Mommy Dearest, too.


So for now, I'm keeping my distance and praying.
Praying for a relationship between the man and I that's stronger than steel.
Praying for a relationship between the future mother-in-law and I that is as peaceful as a brook. 
Praying that I continue to grow into the kind of woman that refuses to let the mess of others roll over onto her, sparking a mindset of vengeance.


But heads up...this is strike 1!!!

Truth is...

He's a GOOD MAN.

*I haven't blogged on this yet so I kinda don't even know where to start with this post.


Have I mentioned over here that I'm dating someone?
Someone I met back towards the end of last year.
Well...Today makes 5 months for us.
Honestly, its felt like 5 years.


I originally had something else planned to post today, but I think what I'm writing now is far more important, significant, and coming straight from the heart.


We...the Man and I...have been on a serious, berserk, erratic rollercoaster called a RELATIONSHIP.
We met in such a cute way. Right now, I'm too lazy to write the details. Sorry!
He was the perfect gentleman, a total sweetheart.
Wined and dined me, said sweet nothings. 
Even the way he looked at me gave me butterflies.
But I think what attracted me most to him...He was/is nothing I ever had before.
I truly have never dated a guy like the Man; physical, mental, spiritual, emotional...Nothing.


As we were caught up on this cloud of infatuation, carelessly falling head over heels...
BOOM
...there was an abrupt STOP and SHIFT.


A drastic, personal change happened in the Man's life and truly changed everything about the relationship.
He slowly began to withdraw from me. 
The calls dwindled, the intimacy became less and less, and we saw each other every now and then.


First reaction: Come on stronger.
I thought maybe if I smother him with more love, he'll return the feeling. 
WRONG!


Second reaction: Complain, Complain, Complain.
If I go off about it, If I remind him that I didn't want to deal with this type of situation, if I reminded him I been in f&%ked up relationships before and wasn't willing to deal with b.s. again, if I got a 'tude each and every time he didn't say/do/react the way I wanted him to he'll eventually get tired of it and just do right.
WRONG!


Third reaction: Silent treatment.
Stop texting, stop calling, show no interest at all anymore. Simple as that. To the point where my reaction to everything was, "Fuck it, I'm gone!"
WRONG!


I kept trying, kept trying, kept trying, but it seem like my wants, my desires, being happy in our relationship; the complaints kept falling on deaf ears.
And so what came next...
I was ready to walk away.


Though my head had began to lay the blue print for my departure, there was a bell that kept ringing, as well as a close friends advice, that kept saying, "Hold on. Not yet. Hold on!"


While in church one day, I remembered a line straight from the Bible...
"...to whom much is given, much is required..."
DING DING DING DING DING!!!
That bell started ringing extra, ignorantly louder.


The great things and opportunities in life we are given requires work, much work.
You can't make a purchase without money, and how do you get money...WORK!!!
It was truly an epiphany.


Another turning point came a the form of advice about men, from men. 
Something I had heard and experienced first hand on several occasions.
Just as women, men hurt...they truly, truly just don't show it the same. 
I saw it in my father as he mourned my mothers passing, I heard it in a close friend as he too told a similar story of my situation, I saw it confessed as a man stood in church one Sunday morning, publicly apologizing to his wife.
And then I saw it again first hand as my Man begin to tell me how much was hurting as he faced his problems and troubles each day.


It's a hurt that we women can comfort, nurture, lend a shoulder to, but we don't really understand it. 
And I didn't.
I didn't understand that his lack of intimacy and affection was not because of lack of interest...what man, besides God, can give love when the world is on his shoulders?
Even I would catch much 'tude if he expected angelic Rani on my PMS, stressed out, broke, uninspired, lazy days!


So where are we today? 
Are we better? Getting there, in due time.
Has he stepped it up? He trying, and for that...no complaints.
Am I going to leave if it doesn't get better soon? I didn't say he beats me, abuses me, cheats on me, talks down to me. I'm in no physical or mental harm.
He's a GOOD Man, a Great Man...that's never changed.
We've just hit a rough patch, an obstacle.


I was given Him...so I was given MUCH.
And in order for us to truly work, to be a great man and woman for each other...WORK is required.

To Him,

     Happy 5 months! And, with time and work, so many more...

With love,

Rani

Decisions, Decisions...

Unless you've been living under a rock or taking a media fast, you've heard of the recent hooplah over comedian, Steve Harvey and his ex-wife.
You've read, blogged, gossiped about his books and him being a "relationship expert".
You've, whether through television, books, radio, stage or any other aspects have come in contact with the man who is Steve Harvey.


As have I.
I'm not one of his biggest fans, don't believe he's some relationship guru, don't always agree with him. 
But there is one thing I can say about him...
...sometimes he drops some very enlightening nuggets.


Every now and then, usually during a 'Strawberry Letter' on his morning show, or if you glanced/ read his book, you'll come across something that sets off the little "You damn right!" light bulb.


Now I can admit, I haven't read his newest book and don't plan on. 
Read the first one, but don't remember much of it. 
I was tainted from a bad relationship and had no desire to hear a man's advice on anything, let alone love. 
At one point I remember hurling the book across the room in disgust.
Not that he said anything that wasn't true. I just wasn't ready to receive it.


Anywho...(I say that a lot, got to find a new word)...


Though I have not read his newest, I have heard him mention some points from it and there's one in particular that always rings in my ear.
Always stands out amongst others...

"...you can either choose to be Happy or Right..."

Now it makes no sense just as it is, so lets break it down...

Say for instance you're in a big blow up with your mate. You're not seeing eye to eye, usually over something petty, and this matter is causing a strain, much strain on your relationship.

You have two ways to solve this:

1. Be right. Decided that what you want/think/said is what's best or what should be done. The hell with your mates words or feelings, you know what's right. Stubbornly feel and say that they're the problem and that what your doing is what's best...the right way.

2. Be happy. Realize that whatever it is your beefing about, disagreeing on is something that requires one action, COMPROMISING. Once that word is put into action, considering both parties wants, needs, and desires, all is well. Both parties come to an agreement...a happy medium. 

This is where I am in my relationship.

We've recently hit 4 months and though this is usually still a "dreamy" phase with everything feeling like cloud 9, we've hit a wall. 

This wall is so tall and thick and no matter what we use, neither one of us can seem to break, jump, chip, burst, pound our way to the other side. 

I wish I could say there is one thing that's got us here, but there are multiple reasons; yet, they all boil down to that infamous word...COMPROMISE.

It's a hard step to make when the other person won't show a sign of budging. 

Like that saying, "2 steps ahead, 3 steps back"...

Well, one of us has stepped ahead, but when you're holding hands, trying to stay together as one, the person behind will pull you back.

Now, I won't admit that I'm an angel and perfect in this.

That's not true at all.

I have my flaws and I'm sure there are things about me that displeases him.

But it seems that where I'm willing to try, willing to talk things over and choose being Happy...

...he's always choosing to be Right.

I knew this day would come.

We're so different, it's scary, but as the saying goes opposite attract.

And it's only normal that couples deal with these types of issues.

But unfortunately, Rani no longer has the patience and blind eye that she use to have. 

I've been scorned, taken advantage of, overlooked, unloved, belittled, ignored long enough.

I'm ready to be Happy.

Do  I want to end our relationship? No. 

As I said in earlier post, I really do think this is the Him I was meant to be with. 

Different and all. I truly still believe its worth fighting for.

But I'm not willing to continue this pattern of unhappiness.

And I'm not willing to live through another relationship where my wants, desires, and needs go unmet. 

Sometimes you have to go drastic, match fire with fire.

Well...I got my blow torch out...

...stay tuned.

Yea, I know been gone for some time now. 
About 4 months to be exact...but who's counting.
Anywho...


Life has been moving fast paced; rehearsals here, gigs, work, relationship, getting older, churching, etc etc, etc.
For awhile I didn't think I'd ever had a chance to truly write again and honestly contemplated closing this version of "Thick Thighs, No Lye" down.


However...


Thanks to one of my Tumblr buddies, gkusoul *smooch*, and a old and close homey, (looking at you Mr. O), I was inspired to get back on the good foot and get back to blogging.


So here I am, being a blogger...again.


Do I have the time? No!
Do I have countless things to talk, gossip, speak, release, and share? Of course and always. 
Probably more than before.


So strap on your seat belts...
...we got a lot of catching up to do.

Directions: Open Mouth, Insert Foot

...My Foot, My Mouth...

I could easily let the title speak for itself.
Instead of the normal rants and raves that I usually post here, I'm about to take a big leap and share some things that have been on my mind and my heart. Some thing that I wish I would have addressed back when, because it's possibly jeopardizing a great present and awesome future...

I never feel right expressing a point without giving a back story...

Approximately 3 weeks ago, I met a Man.
Someone who caught me completely off guard...COMPLETELY. I'm still a little shocked by it all. 
But someone who I've enjoyed every moment, text, laugh, touch, embrace, drive, cup of coffee, tickle, tease, etc etc etc...you get the point.

Everything has been going lovely, no complaint.
And I know it's far fetched, but I can honestly see this man being in my life for the long run.
Yes, I said it! Won't back down from it...
However, though I've been riding this big cloud of happy days and possibilities, this ride has come to a bridge.

We'll call this bridge...FEAR.
Fear of what you ask...THE UNKNOWN.

He called me out on it.
While dropping him off at work, he playfully pulled me towards him to give a 'good-bye' kiss.
I, tired from my day at work, but mostly wrapped up in my thoughts and this FEAR, turned a simple moment into unnecessary friction.
And when I tried to blame it solely on weariness from the work day, he saw straight through it.
That cloud ride all of sudden turned quickly into a walk in the rain.

Here he was, just being playful, being loving, and yet I couldn't shake off that FEAR for a moment, or better yet, be upfront and tell him how I felt.
Part of it was trying to be a "Good Woman"...don't want to send a man to work carrying the burdens of the day with him.
So I said nothing...and it backfired.

What is this FEAR...this UNKNOWN FEAR?

Simply put...I'm scared of being where I was May 10, 2009.

May 10, 2009 was quite an awakening for me.
It was my 24th birthday.
It was Mother's Day which is always tough, because my mother's deceased.
It was the day after the car accident I was involved in; lost teeth, barely walking, popping Vicoden, and could only consume what could fit through a straw.
Lastly, but probably the most pain...It was at this point I realized and let it dwell deeper in that the "man" I expected to share forever with, the "man" whom I had given every nook and cranny of my being, my money, my time, my support, MY EVERYTHING, had now decided that those 4 years meant absolutely nothing and we were over. (SN: The day before, he had revealed he had basically moved in with another chick and had a baby on the way. Happy Birthday to me!)

To say I was at my lowest of low points in my life is an understatement.
I was scraping the bottom of low.
I was depressed. I was in pain. I was lonely. I was angry. I was furious. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I felt like a fool. I was drowning in tears.
I laid in my bed in utter disbelief.
My world had crashed around me all in one day.

Day after day, I laid in bed and just cried profusely.
Couldn't talk, so I cried. Couldn't sing, so I cried.
I felt like like everything around me had crumbled.
But what crushed me the most was that this "man" I had given my all to, was nowhere around the time I needed him most.

Flash Forward:
Time has passed and I've grown stronger.
It was definitely a lesson learned and I can look back on it now with a sense of pride that I pulled myself through one of the darkest moments in my life.
...But this recently event/mishap/foolish act proved that though stronger, all wombs are not healed.

There's a part of me...not a huge part...but a part of me that is so SCARED of going back to 5/10/09.
Scared of reliving some of the sadness, loneliness and betrayal from that relationship.
Scared to give my all, only to stand years later with nothing to show for all that time, love and support.

So now, close to 24hours, I've sat and watched the possibility of what may be the beginning of an amazing journey in love, slowly chip away because of my own foolishness, my hesitation....MY FEAR.

And now...For the grand finale...I'm going to do something out of my element...
I'm going to make a public apology right here.

I don't want to look back and have a shoulda, coulda, woulda and something deep down inside of me is saying if I don't confront this now, I might be singing that song.
So excuse me all others, this next part is specifically for HIM...


To you,

I'm sorry. I can't find any other way to say it, but...I'm Sorry.
Please blame it on my mind and not my heart.
Deep in my heart, I'm falling head over hills for you.
But my head, my head is tired of cradling my heart after each breakup and heartache.
I know...I know, I can't and shouldn't walk into a new relationship with past baggage.
By no means do I want to, but I also don't want to walk into one not being honest and upfront about everything.
Yes, there's a fear that I'll fall in love again and then you'll bounce. But I know that in order to get over this fear I have to put my trust in you with no limitations.
Babe, I can't do that overnight.
Honestly, if I could snap my fingers and make it happen, I would, but I can't.
All I can do is take it day-by day.
Now, there may be apart of you that's saying, "F- this, I'm not going to deal with it"....and you have all right to feel this way.
But if you can see past this, remember the great things that are happening between us and be patient with me, I promise, this will be worth every moment, minute and day.
There's a spark between us that we've both admitted is amazing and I don't want it to fizzle over something so soon and without a fight to make it better.
Again, forgive me.


Rani

For my readers...

I know, I know, I know.
Post have been few and far between.
I apologize.
But I promise to post more regularly.


And since I'm in a good mood and in honor of the previous post, here's something for you...Press Play!

Truth is...

Yes..She's Gotta Have It!



Many of you remember this movie.
It's Spike Lee's first feature film, 1986s "She's Gotta Have It".
For those of you who've never seen it, I'm not going to spoil the plot for you, but I encourage you to check it out.
And when you watch it, watch it with an open mind...
Even better...watch it in your 20's, after you've been in multiple relationships, after you've been broken hearted/played the game/ dealt with some real issues in life.
Trust me, it makes a world of difference...

Case in point:

I believe I first watched this movie, from beginning to end, while I was in high school.
I had seen tid-bits over the years, but never actually saw the complete movie.
And though I enjoyed the simplicity of the film, the cast of beautiful Black actors, the amazing scenes and of course, "Nola's Birthday Song" (still one of my favorites till this day)...
...the girl I was then totally misinterpreted, misunderstood, and didn't appreciate the message.

A day later, I'm riding on the #28 Bus heading home from school with a few of my friends and classmates.
As usual, we're gossiping, laughing, doing the typical teen thing.
Somehow the conversation turns to the subject of someone at the school being a "HO".
At this point, in my mind, no one was a bigger HO than the one I had seen on the TV the night before.
So I proceed to tell my friends about this movie I had seen the other night about this woman who slept around with different men, claiming she coundn';t settle down to on....

Disclaimer: I can imagine folks faces twisted up from reading this. As I stated this was what younger Rani understood it to be. Keep reading...

So I continue to tell the story, we laugh and joke about it and then it happened...

Something I will never forget until this day.

I don't know if it was from the embarrassment of her snapping at me or that her words manifested, but I'll never forget this.

A woman that set in front of me had been listening to our convo the entire time and finally she had had enough.

She turned to me and said,

"Young lady, that's not what that movie is about!"

At this point, we're all giving her the "WTF Face!?!" because, like the young fools we were, we felt she needed to mind her business...SMH at my own ignorance...

The woman continues and asked my age. After replying she proceeds to try and explain the true meaning behind "She's Gotta Have It", the message for women, the self love and independence of Nola Darling, the...

...She stops. It's become obvious to her it's fallen deaf ears.

We stood as tall and as "bountiful" as women but the little girls in us were far to underdeveloped to immediately take her words to heart.

She stopped, sighed, and gave her final comment before proceeding to leave the bus on the 79th Street stop.

"Young lady, one day you'll understand."

At the time, I nudged that off, gave her the 'Kanye shrug'.

I was with my girls. The girl Rani was internally embarrassed that she had just read me on a public bus, but I couldn't let that show. I played it off like it was nothing, but those words sang a three part harmony in my mind for years and years to come.

Flash forward, to my 20s.

I had been months out of the relationship I had thought was marriage, scorned, jaded, still sour about the accident I was in, and the Bitch in me had much 'tude.

I didn't give two shits about other folks and their feeling though I never said or showed it in my actions.

I was truly just doing me, not giving a damn about the the consequences and repercussions.

I was Nola Darling.

Though not sexually involved with all, I was juggling between 3 men.

Man A: For sexual pleasure

Man B: For intellectual pleasure

Man C: For comforting pleasure

...and I didn't want any one of them more than that.

In my mind, I had decided that I was never going to find what I truly wanted in a man.

I was still in denial about what truly was wrong with the person I wan engaged to, the man I thought I was to spend forever with.

I was on the prowl for real love and when I couldn't find what I wanted in one man, I went to another, then 2 became 3.

At some point, I do recall thinking to myself, "This is f$&ed up! I feel like I'm doing some ho mess!".

Didn't identify at this point I was experiencing depression and now began to dig myself in a deeper hole.

Eventually, I went cold turkey and cut them all off. No explanations, just stopped.

I even went over Man B's house late one night. Right as he began to escort me to his room, I grabbed my purse and walked out. No words, just left.

Eventually I shared with him why, but at that moment I was on mental debacle and truly felt out of my self.

I went into isolation mode because I knew I needed to get Rani back to being Rani.

And then it happened...

"She's Gotta Have It" came on TV late one night.

I sat there, not as the girl I was when I watched it before, but now as a woman who had lived it.

But more importantly...As a woman.

As I watched, the woman on the bus words sang in my head and then pierced my heart.

"...one day you'll understand" manifested itself before my eyes.

What that movie said to me was so much more profound and enlightening.

It was like seeing the sun for the first time.

All that I had said it to be was so far from what it was and is.

Without giving away the plot for those who've never watched it (probably many younger folks and men), I'll say this:

1. The movie taught me that I wasn't alone in how I felt.

2. Women, though, complex to many, truly want one thing...uunconditional love...even when we can't define it.

3. There is no "Knight in Shining Armor", there's no 'perfect man'. You have to realize that when you find 'The One' he/she isn't going to be all you want and desire...Hence the word, compromise.

 ...and lastly, but most important...

4. Self love, should be first and foremost in your life. People come and go, but you have to love YOU more than anyone else. And when you do, this thing called life all starts to make sense.

To the woman on the #28 Bus that day...Thank You!

Forgive me. Blame it on my mind, my youth, my misunderstandings.

But know that I appreciate your words.

To Spike Lee...Thank You.

Not only for being the amazing director that you are, but for being bold enough to tackle this subject.

Your labor was not in vain.

To the Nola Darlings of the world...You're not alone.

You're not a Ho...I'll show you some Ho's...You're just searching through life.

When you find it, it'll all make sense.

To those who haven't seen, "She's Gotta Have It"...What the hell you waiting on?!?

Go...Watch...Learn.

Wait 5-10 years...Watch again....Learn!

-Rani