Directions: Open Mouth, Insert Foot

...My Foot, My Mouth...

I could easily let the title speak for itself.
Instead of the normal rants and raves that I usually post here, I'm about to take a big leap and share some things that have been on my mind and my heart. Some thing that I wish I would have addressed back when, because it's possibly jeopardizing a great present and awesome future...

I never feel right expressing a point without giving a back story...

Approximately 3 weeks ago, I met a Man.
Someone who caught me completely off guard...COMPLETELY. I'm still a little shocked by it all. 
But someone who I've enjoyed every moment, text, laugh, touch, embrace, drive, cup of coffee, tickle, tease, etc etc etc...you get the point.

Everything has been going lovely, no complaint.
And I know it's far fetched, but I can honestly see this man being in my life for the long run.
Yes, I said it! Won't back down from it...
However, though I've been riding this big cloud of happy days and possibilities, this ride has come to a bridge.

We'll call this bridge...FEAR.
Fear of what you ask...THE UNKNOWN.

He called me out on it.
While dropping him off at work, he playfully pulled me towards him to give a 'good-bye' kiss.
I, tired from my day at work, but mostly wrapped up in my thoughts and this FEAR, turned a simple moment into unnecessary friction.
And when I tried to blame it solely on weariness from the work day, he saw straight through it.
That cloud ride all of sudden turned quickly into a walk in the rain.

Here he was, just being playful, being loving, and yet I couldn't shake off that FEAR for a moment, or better yet, be upfront and tell him how I felt.
Part of it was trying to be a "Good Woman"...don't want to send a man to work carrying the burdens of the day with him.
So I said nothing...and it backfired.

What is this FEAR...this UNKNOWN FEAR?

Simply put...I'm scared of being where I was May 10, 2009.

May 10, 2009 was quite an awakening for me.
It was my 24th birthday.
It was Mother's Day which is always tough, because my mother's deceased.
It was the day after the car accident I was involved in; lost teeth, barely walking, popping Vicoden, and could only consume what could fit through a straw.
Lastly, but probably the most pain...It was at this point I realized and let it dwell deeper in that the "man" I expected to share forever with, the "man" whom I had given every nook and cranny of my being, my money, my time, my support, MY EVERYTHING, had now decided that those 4 years meant absolutely nothing and we were over. (SN: The day before, he had revealed he had basically moved in with another chick and had a baby on the way. Happy Birthday to me!)

To say I was at my lowest of low points in my life is an understatement.
I was scraping the bottom of low.
I was depressed. I was in pain. I was lonely. I was angry. I was furious. I was embarrassed. I was hurt. I felt like a fool. I was drowning in tears.
I laid in my bed in utter disbelief.
My world had crashed around me all in one day.

Day after day, I laid in bed and just cried profusely.
Couldn't talk, so I cried. Couldn't sing, so I cried.
I felt like like everything around me had crumbled.
But what crushed me the most was that this "man" I had given my all to, was nowhere around the time I needed him most.

Flash Forward:
Time has passed and I've grown stronger.
It was definitely a lesson learned and I can look back on it now with a sense of pride that I pulled myself through one of the darkest moments in my life.
...But this recently event/mishap/foolish act proved that though stronger, all wombs are not healed.

There's a part of me...not a huge part...but a part of me that is so SCARED of going back to 5/10/09.
Scared of reliving some of the sadness, loneliness and betrayal from that relationship.
Scared to give my all, only to stand years later with nothing to show for all that time, love and support.

So now, close to 24hours, I've sat and watched the possibility of what may be the beginning of an amazing journey in love, slowly chip away because of my own foolishness, my hesitation....MY FEAR.

And now...For the grand finale...I'm going to do something out of my element...
I'm going to make a public apology right here.

I don't want to look back and have a shoulda, coulda, woulda and something deep down inside of me is saying if I don't confront this now, I might be singing that song.
So excuse me all others, this next part is specifically for HIM...


To you,

I'm sorry. I can't find any other way to say it, but...I'm Sorry.
Please blame it on my mind and not my heart.
Deep in my heart, I'm falling head over hills for you.
But my head, my head is tired of cradling my heart after each breakup and heartache.
I know...I know, I can't and shouldn't walk into a new relationship with past baggage.
By no means do I want to, but I also don't want to walk into one not being honest and upfront about everything.
Yes, there's a fear that I'll fall in love again and then you'll bounce. But I know that in order to get over this fear I have to put my trust in you with no limitations.
Babe, I can't do that overnight.
Honestly, if I could snap my fingers and make it happen, I would, but I can't.
All I can do is take it day-by day.
Now, there may be apart of you that's saying, "F- this, I'm not going to deal with it"....and you have all right to feel this way.
But if you can see past this, remember the great things that are happening between us and be patient with me, I promise, this will be worth every moment, minute and day.
There's a spark between us that we've both admitted is amazing and I don't want it to fizzle over something so soon and without a fight to make it better.
Again, forgive me.


Rani

For my readers...

I know, I know, I know.
Post have been few and far between.
I apologize.
But I promise to post more regularly.


And since I'm in a good mood and in honor of the previous post, here's something for you...Press Play!

Truth is...

Yes..She's Gotta Have It!



Many of you remember this movie.
It's Spike Lee's first feature film, 1986s "She's Gotta Have It".
For those of you who've never seen it, I'm not going to spoil the plot for you, but I encourage you to check it out.
And when you watch it, watch it with an open mind...
Even better...watch it in your 20's, after you've been in multiple relationships, after you've been broken hearted/played the game/ dealt with some real issues in life.
Trust me, it makes a world of difference...

Case in point:

I believe I first watched this movie, from beginning to end, while I was in high school.
I had seen tid-bits over the years, but never actually saw the complete movie.
And though I enjoyed the simplicity of the film, the cast of beautiful Black actors, the amazing scenes and of course, "Nola's Birthday Song" (still one of my favorites till this day)...
...the girl I was then totally misinterpreted, misunderstood, and didn't appreciate the message.

A day later, I'm riding on the #28 Bus heading home from school with a few of my friends and classmates.
As usual, we're gossiping, laughing, doing the typical teen thing.
Somehow the conversation turns to the subject of someone at the school being a "HO".
At this point, in my mind, no one was a bigger HO than the one I had seen on the TV the night before.
So I proceed to tell my friends about this movie I had seen the other night about this woman who slept around with different men, claiming she coundn';t settle down to on....

Disclaimer: I can imagine folks faces twisted up from reading this. As I stated this was what younger Rani understood it to be. Keep reading...

So I continue to tell the story, we laugh and joke about it and then it happened...

Something I will never forget until this day.

I don't know if it was from the embarrassment of her snapping at me or that her words manifested, but I'll never forget this.

A woman that set in front of me had been listening to our convo the entire time and finally she had had enough.

She turned to me and said,

"Young lady, that's not what that movie is about!"

At this point, we're all giving her the "WTF Face!?!" because, like the young fools we were, we felt she needed to mind her business...SMH at my own ignorance...

The woman continues and asked my age. After replying she proceeds to try and explain the true meaning behind "She's Gotta Have It", the message for women, the self love and independence of Nola Darling, the...

...She stops. It's become obvious to her it's fallen deaf ears.

We stood as tall and as "bountiful" as women but the little girls in us were far to underdeveloped to immediately take her words to heart.

She stopped, sighed, and gave her final comment before proceeding to leave the bus on the 79th Street stop.

"Young lady, one day you'll understand."

At the time, I nudged that off, gave her the 'Kanye shrug'.

I was with my girls. The girl Rani was internally embarrassed that she had just read me on a public bus, but I couldn't let that show. I played it off like it was nothing, but those words sang a three part harmony in my mind for years and years to come.

Flash forward, to my 20s.

I had been months out of the relationship I had thought was marriage, scorned, jaded, still sour about the accident I was in, and the Bitch in me had much 'tude.

I didn't give two shits about other folks and their feeling though I never said or showed it in my actions.

I was truly just doing me, not giving a damn about the the consequences and repercussions.

I was Nola Darling.

Though not sexually involved with all, I was juggling between 3 men.

Man A: For sexual pleasure

Man B: For intellectual pleasure

Man C: For comforting pleasure

...and I didn't want any one of them more than that.

In my mind, I had decided that I was never going to find what I truly wanted in a man.

I was still in denial about what truly was wrong with the person I wan engaged to, the man I thought I was to spend forever with.

I was on the prowl for real love and when I couldn't find what I wanted in one man, I went to another, then 2 became 3.

At some point, I do recall thinking to myself, "This is f$&ed up! I feel like I'm doing some ho mess!".

Didn't identify at this point I was experiencing depression and now began to dig myself in a deeper hole.

Eventually, I went cold turkey and cut them all off. No explanations, just stopped.

I even went over Man B's house late one night. Right as he began to escort me to his room, I grabbed my purse and walked out. No words, just left.

Eventually I shared with him why, but at that moment I was on mental debacle and truly felt out of my self.

I went into isolation mode because I knew I needed to get Rani back to being Rani.

And then it happened...

"She's Gotta Have It" came on TV late one night.

I sat there, not as the girl I was when I watched it before, but now as a woman who had lived it.

But more importantly...As a woman.

As I watched, the woman on the bus words sang in my head and then pierced my heart.

"...one day you'll understand" manifested itself before my eyes.

What that movie said to me was so much more profound and enlightening.

It was like seeing the sun for the first time.

All that I had said it to be was so far from what it was and is.

Without giving away the plot for those who've never watched it (probably many younger folks and men), I'll say this:

1. The movie taught me that I wasn't alone in how I felt.

2. Women, though, complex to many, truly want one thing...uunconditional love...even when we can't define it.

3. There is no "Knight in Shining Armor", there's no 'perfect man'. You have to realize that when you find 'The One' he/she isn't going to be all you want and desire...Hence the word, compromise.

 ...and lastly, but most important...

4. Self love, should be first and foremost in your life. People come and go, but you have to love YOU more than anyone else. And when you do, this thing called life all starts to make sense.

To the woman on the #28 Bus that day...Thank You!

Forgive me. Blame it on my mind, my youth, my misunderstandings.

But know that I appreciate your words.

To Spike Lee...Thank You.

Not only for being the amazing director that you are, but for being bold enough to tackle this subject.

Your labor was not in vain.

To the Nola Darlings of the world...You're not alone.

You're not a Ho...I'll show you some Ho's...You're just searching through life.

When you find it, it'll all make sense.

To those who haven't seen, "She's Gotta Have It"...What the hell you waiting on?!?

Go...Watch...Learn.

Wait 5-10 years...Watch again....Learn!

-Rani